When Your Spouse Doesn’t Support Your Success or Career

Filed in Family by on March 13, 2017 41 Comments

When your spouse doesn't support you

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be successful in both career and family life. But then I’ll talk to someone who’s leading the example and I know that it can be done.

However, it’s never been the case in my household.

Last night I mentioned to my husband that I’d definitely like to attend the National Hardware Show taking place in Las Vegas. As a DIY blogger who writes about home improvement, decorating, and home maintenance, it’s a great opportunity to see the latest and greatest in products for the home.

I’d mentioned it to him before and he didn’t have a problem with me attending since it fell during the week and wouldn’t affect his weekend job and finding childcare for our three sons.

Last night, however, his response was anything other than supportive.

He proceeded to tick off all the things that my career has affected:

  1. He’s suffering.
  2. The kids are suffering.
  3. Everyone is sacrificing so that I can live out my dream, but that I fail to acknowledge everyone’s sacrificing.
  4. He has to work 7 days a week for me.
  5. All my money earned is spent on me and frivolous things.
  6. My readers think I’m an inspiration but to my family, they’re suffering.

All I could do was listen, soak it in, and ask him calmly (almost incredulously) to elaborate on how he and the kids are suffering, but he had no response.

This wasn’t the first time he has voiced his concerns about my career. In fact, when I lost my “day job” in January 2015, he wasn’t on board with me taking a leaping faith and becoming a full-time blogger. He wanted me back out there working a 9-to-5, which he considered more money and more security. But I knew that I could make it as a professional blogger. I had already been in the game for years at that point, earning a little income on the side from working with brands and earning revenue from ads on the site.

I knew it was a risk to leave behind the dreadful 9-to-5 in a career that I couldn’t stand in order to do something that I loved.

But I was confident I would succeed. I felt it in my bones.

My husband, on the other hand, someone who hates change more than anyone I know, wasn’t 100% supportive. He simply went along with it begrudgingly because I bargained that I would give it 3 months, and if things weren’t moving along, I would return to the 9-to-5 workforce.

Needless to say, my blog and brand began to flourish. I made partnerships with well-known brands, I began to earn more from sponsorships, I began to travel more for these opportunities, and eventually, my earnings surpassed what I was earning from my 9-to-5.

But most importantly, I was far happier!

I even won a modeling search and became a clothing model for a company that highlights and celebrates women in manual labor careers.

Yet, despite those accomplishments and the happiness that I feel over spending my days doing things I love to do and earning money doing them, I’m told that everyone is “suffering.”

How Is My Family Suffering?

I asked my husband to elaborate on the accusation that my career and traveling is causing everyone to “suffer,” but he wouldn’t say. I’m sorry, but you can’t make that kind of claim and not have evidence to back up that statement.

No mom or wife wants to feel that they’re harming their family.

I can only speculate what is meant by “suffering.”

Google defines suffering as, “the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship.”

My not being around for 3-4 days at a time might cause my family to miss me, but is it causing pain, distress, or hardship?

My sons seeing me earning money in a career that I love, building things with my own two hands, and being paid to speak to audiences–is that suffering?

I actually think it’s teaching them a valuable lesson about creating your own path, breaking the 9-to-5 mold, and that their Mom is actually helping people.

And let’s not talk about financial hardship…

My husband and I do not have a joint bank account. We have always kept our money separate and it’s worked well for us. He will give me a check every two weeks to cover mortgage and bills.

When I stopped my 9-to-5, he did pick up our family insurance, and he started giving me a few hundred more each paycheck.

He’s financially strapped. However, when you add up all the bills, we’re pretty much splitting things down the middle. So it’s not like he’s supporting me. We’re supporting each other. Because we couldn’t run this household on one income.

But he doesn’t take into account the extra money he uses to support family members that need financial support. I’ve never complained about it. But because he’s strapped now, it’s my fault.

And to address his comment that he has to work 7 days a week for me, that’s simply not true at all. Since I have known him in college, 21 years ago, he has worked 7 days a week. He was the guy waking up on Saturday morning while every other undergraduate had hangovers, walking to the train station to go to his weekend job. Years later, he’s got his 9-to-5, but he still has his weekend job. My being a full-time blogger has no bearing on him working the weekends.

I couldn’t believe he cited that excuse.

It’s Hurtful, To Be Honest

I’m going to be truthful with you.

Since last night, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this because it bothers me that much. It’s hurtful to think that the thing that brings me such joy is actually causing stress for my family (or perceived stress, I should say).

And if you’re thinking, “Oh, just sit down and talk with your husband about how you feel,” that’s out of the question.

No amount of talking will change the fact that my husband will never support what I do.

As long as he feels it’s an inconvenience to him and his routine or anyone else’s routine, then it will be an area of contention.

He feels that he has sacrificed a lot in order for me to live my dream. Yes, he has helped and sacrificed, but having it thrown in your face as a reminder whenever he is unhappy or in a crappy mood, isn’t the answer to a harmonious household.

I am an easy person to get along with. I really am. I’m supportive of people following their dreams, even if it means selling off the house and living on meager portions to make it work, then that’s what it takes. If he expressed his dreams to me and wanted my help in making it happen, I would gladly help him.

Because life isn’t about living each day unhappily schlepping off to a 9-to-5 for simply a paycheck. It’s about waking up each day excited about what adventure will bring. It’s about waking up each day and being creative and doing the things you love and that bring you energy.

A spouse should support their spouse in making their dreams become a reality, not rub it in their faces about how much they’d had to help and what they’ve had to give up.

Have you ever needed your spouse’s support and didn’t get it? Leave a comment below and let’s chat about it.


About the Author ()

Serena Appiah is a wife and mom to 3 boys in the Washington, DC metro area who enjoys writing about family, finances, and raising children.

Comments (41)

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  1. Jon says:

    Could you do what your doing without your husbands support (taking care of the kids)? Sounds like your husband feels like he is being used to support your dreams and is wondering “what about my dreams?” Sorry but if your husband feels and is having to sacrifice to support your dreams and your only able to do them because of him taking care of the kids then he is justified.

    • Heather says:

      I don’t want this to come off rude, I just want to clarify. So I apologize in advance if it is taken the wrong way. ☺️ They aren’t HER kids. They are THEIR kids. Every once in a while a dad actually has to be a dad. Crazy, huh? Lol! I’m going through the same thing … and if mothers can watch the kids while the husband is “out” working, surely he can watch the kids while the mother is working. (And trust me, we’re working. Although my husband thinks I sit on fb all day. If he only knew.) Stay kind out there everyone! ❤️

        • Colleen Dow says:

          We have a right to be supported and to be able to speak our truth. I was laid off 3 yrs ago from Oil & Gas Accounting position (I have a degree in Business no accounting designation), which was really hard because I have worked since I was 13…I am now 45 with two young daughters (8 & 6). I have had seizures every 2 yrs (due to stress and sleep issues). My husband was laid off last March and now has a new career in his field, but right now he has to have flexibilty. He is making cold calls everyday to establish a client base so that eventually he can move his home office externally. He has a good base income, but he is stressed that he cannot pay our credit card bill in full every month. I get that, but he doesn’t stop spending either. Both girls are full time in school now & trying to figure out how to work without sacrificing routines or adding to stress or more financial burden is not that easy. Being a woman at 45 & trying to get back in the workforce is much more difficult due to our market now. It’s tough for men too. But there is more burden to consider when a STAHM goes back to work. Her workload increases, it does not decrease. My husband really only cooks breakfast on the weekends. He will cook more during the summer. He doesn’t do lunches for the kids during the week or doesn’t so much to get them up and out. He occasionally takes them to the bus or picks them up if I need him too. I do most of the pickups and drop-offs or take them to school if they miss the bus or if they are sick I am the one that picks them up and takes care of them, even in the middle of the night. So now he expects me to work outside the home 40 hrs a week & earn x amount of dollars. Which he has no right to expect & there is no ability for that to be determined. I don’t want to go back to accounting. Being at home has allowed me to be more creative. I have no problem working, but 40 hrs a week would mean that he will have to step up more (which he says he will but I am not holding my breath), our kids will definitely have to do more or we have to hire people to help us maintain things. I think it’s unreasonable and unrealistic to think that me working like that is helping our finances. Our oldest daughter may be going to a different school next year, so that means 2 kids, 2 different schools in 2 different zones…2 different childcare facilities. My husband is hoping to get back into an external office, so what will that do to our mornings & evenings? He likes to go to the gym first thing in the morning, he will not be able to if I need to go to work. If he’s at home he will have to take care of pickups and dropoffs…but he is in sales and needs the flexibility. I’m ranting. I don’t know how to tell him that “figuring it out in the meantime” doesn’t work. I can’t have the girls sitting watching tv until I get home, so he can go back down to his office to work. Thank you for listening. If anyone can offer some understand or ideas to help I would appreciate it.

      • Eliane Mendes says:

        Heather, Amen!!

    • Amberly Pugh says:

      I a similar issue with my husband. I resent his career. I feel like my dreams and hopes are being put “on hold” to raise our daughter while his are not. We haven’t found a resolution yet.

      • Serena Appiah says:

        What ARE your hopes and dreams, Amberly? Here’s a suggestion: instead of saying “How do I?” try saying “What if?” For example, what if you got a babysitter once per weekend and took a painting class….or what if you took an online class and did your schoolwork at night after your daughter went to bed? I have started thinking this way and it’s amazing how my thinking changes just by allowing myself to think of the possibilities instead of being overwhelmed with thinking about how I can make it happen when it all seems so impossible. 🙂

  2. Valerie says:

    Going through a similar situation. I have to disagree with Jon wholeheartedly. They are your husband’s children too and if he is suffering by having to care of his own children then that is not suffering. It’s called parenting. Moms stay home all of the time and your article even stated you do all of this while the children are at school and so that it doesn’t affect your husband’s schedule. I think husband just doesn’t like being outshined and it’s rubbing his ego the wrong way. He’d thought you’d fail and now that you’ve taken off he doesn’t know what to do. Stay strong and positive and never another person stifle your dreams, especially through guilt tactics. Keep it up mom!

  3. Kelli says:

    My husband is unhappy with my current job state. I’m a teacher who has been been ultimately trying to secure a public school position for 10 years now. I’ve taught in private schools for meager pay for a year or two before life has caused me to either give it up for my husband’s career or to have children. The market is flooded with potential teachers all trying to secure the same positions as me. I recently got another private school position but he is unhappy with it and feels I will never get a public school position. He feels I need to consider changing my career choice. I could work doing something else for more pay but teaching is my passion. It seems unfair of him to ask me to give up my passion.

    • Serena Appiah says:

      Hey, Kelli, how did it go with the teaching position since you posted on my blog here in the comments section? Hope you were able to secure the position! I agree-it’s unfair for one spouse to ask another to give up their passion. I see it like this: if a spouse sees how excited they are about it, why not just support them? Overall, it makes a marriage much happier! 🙂 Good luck!

  4. Lulu says:

    My guess is that he’s not feeling validated or heard. Even if he’s totally off with his accusations, if he’s feeling like his feelings are not valid or that when he shares how he feels that he is met with resistance and counter arguments, then he’ll be left feeling frustrated and invalidated and will shut down and offer less support or build resentment. Makes sense that you want him to support your decisions and your career and it sounds like you’ve been doing very well in your path. Congrats on your success !

    • Serena Appiah says:

      Hey, Lulu! Sorry, I am just now seeing your comment! I hadn’t been posting on this blog but I plan to do so much more now! 🙂 You are right–my husband often feels like his feelings aren’t validated, but I guess you can say I feel the same way. There has to be a compromise somehow, or at least support when one is really passionate about something, you know? Thanks for commenting!

  5. Brittany says:

    I’m also going through a similar situation, but we don’t even have kids.

    After years of dating him and trying to make it as a hairstylist. I got married and decided I will try dog sitting (because I’m obsessed with dogs) and since our apartment complex doesn’t allow dogs; I go to other peoples houses while they are away. House and dog sit , basically. My schedule was immediately jam packed and stay full when raising my prices three times.

    The more full it got, the more he compained. THE CATCH is my husband was/is in a band doing pretty well and I never put up a fuss when he would leave on tour for a week or three. Yes I would miss him, but I understood it was his dream so I’d let him go. He recently got a job as a worship pastor at a local church and even though the band has taken a back burner, he still doesn’t get home most nights until 6-8pm. And has usually already had dinner.

    So I’m in your same boat. He keeps suggesting a 9-5 when I keep saying I get to make my own schedule and I don’t want a 9-5, I love what I do, for once.

    But just like your husband, he says he is suffering. Even though if I’m staying 20 minutes away (mind you in a WAY nicer house that he is 100% usually welcomes to spend the night) I drive to our apartment to spend time with him. Then when one plan doesn’t work out the whole argument will start again.

    I came here because he wants to have ANOTHER talk and he says he found a better way to explain how my job makes him feel…..I want to roll my eyes…with love of course.

    What’s the best way to approach him? How do I kindly say that I love what I do and I love him but I’m not going to change my job for someone? I’m the one that already tends to compromise 🙁

  6. Nicole says:

    I’ve been self-employed from home for over 12 years. I’ve worked 4-8hrs./wk., which I feel has kept me sane as a SAHM. I’ve been able to keep us debt free (minus a small mortgage), handle all bills,taxes,errands,cleaning,cooking home repairs/maintenance, etc. We have been able to travel, husband eats out daily, and I have dealt with his shift work and staying up all night with our children for many years so he gets his rest. I’ve NEVER needed to pay for child-care or even not have our children right with me. He STILL complains, and acts like he wants me to quit! I show him homes to downsize, so that I would feel financially comfortable, or ask him to cut out the eating out and travel, but he “doesn’t want to do that”. I’m at a loss. All our kids will be in school full time next year, so I want to expand to 16hrs./wk. to make our financial future even more secure (totally doable.), but he acts like I’m destroying the family. He throws in my face that he makes more money, and yes, his job is priority, but I love what I do and I should be free to do it. It doesn’t even involve him at all! Husbands are WAY too high-maintenance and worry too much about their wives just caring for them all the time, but we all know that gets old. I’m NOT his slave!!! Blog away, honey. Hire a nanny if daddy can’t take his turn and be supportive. Live your dreams and cherish the time with your children. Hopefully he gets onboard. I feel for you.

    • Serena Appiah says:

      Hey there, Nicole! Sorry you’re going through this! I agree–husbands generally don’t understand. They have to understand it’s not 1955 anymore and we’re not going to just be housewives like Donna Reed. LOL. Has he ever said WHY he wants you to quit working? It sounds like you’re doing a lot and maintaining it all like the superwoman you are. You deserve a life outside of JUST family.

      Thanks for commenting and sharing your story!

      Thankfully, my husband doesn’t complain *as* much anymore, but he still makes comments about how my blogging “messes up our tax refund” since we generally owe at the end of the year due to my blogging income. Little does he realize that that “refund” we used to get was just us preparing too much tax and that we’re not necessarily worse off. It just FEELS that way when we may a tax payment in the spring!

      I’m sure if I were to tell him I was going to get a “real job” (ahem–a day job outside of the home), he would probably jump for you. LOL

  7. Mary says:

    I was asked by my employer to do an event on a Sunday to help bring in more clients. We aren’t open on Sundays but I agreed and I’m getting paid. When I told my husban, he was furious and started with insults. Even after I told him he was welcomed to join me. I was completely dumbfounded with his reaction that I just stood there in silence and then went to my room and took a nap. After my nap I tried to ask him why he was so upset about me doing the event. He became angry again and said I don’t have to do the event but I’m doing it because I probably have an alterior motive. The thing is that a new guy was just hired and he wasn’t too happy about it. He even asked me to look for another job. I’m thinking he is afraid that I might be doing this event to spend more time with the new guy. Hes not even going to participate. I’ve never given him reasons to not trust me so I’m extremely upset at his reaction and so ready to call it quits. This isn’t the first issue I’ve had with him that’s work related. This is just one of his worst reactions.

  8. Kate Davis says:

    It’s so refreshing to read that this happens to others and not just me!!
    I have 2 children aged 4 and 7. I went back to work after maternity but only 3 days a week and things have never been the same since between my partner and I. Always throwing it in my face and I’ve even been called a taker.
    This year I went back to college and did Level2 in Counselling and now I’m doing Level3. I want a career change as I do not want to go back to what I did full time. He doesn’t support my decision to do Level4 to become qualified because it will affect him and encroach on his time.
    I feel stuck to be honest. I feel I have no say because I do not earn anywhere near as much as he does. It really upsets me that I cannot fulfil my dream of helping others.

  9. Marissa says:

    I am going through a similar situation. I worked a 9a-5p “secure” job and ended up being let go. I hated the job and had done it for 10 years. I took it as a sign to find something new, in a different field. The position I am currently in is amazing and I feel for the first time I am exactly where I need to be with a career. The most difficult thing is it is a full commissioned job and is taking some time to make money. I feel so strongly that it is just temporary and the money is coming. But my husband does not see it that way and is completely stressing out over finances, and he is making it hard to ignore and I see myself going back to older thought patterns because of it. My position involves personal development and helping people. I am learning so much. I feel I am on a spiritual journey and don’t want to stray because I don’t know if I will get another opportunity like this. I’m doing this for myself, and for my family. I too want to be an example for my husband and for my kids. I truly don’t know the best way to approach this because everytime I do, we get into a horrible argument. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels, but if I go back to a 9a-5p, I feel that I will turn very bitter and nothing good will come of it. When we are on the same page, we can do anything. I’m really struggling to get us there, so any suggestions would be very appreciated.

  10. MP says:

    Well mine is opposite it’s my wife. Last June (8 months strong) I quit drinking so I can focus on making my dreams come true which is being a successful Entrepernuer I felt like drinking really held me back on accomplishing my dreams so I quit. My wife was happy about this and i honestly felt like deep down inside she didn’t know how long this would last I think she thought it was a faze I was going through..ok so August 2017 I started a business where I’m contracted with hotels and resorts all around the world And I make commission on each sale I make. So as you probably know I have to do a lot of marketing to get the word out for people to use my website which can get expensive. At the time my wife Financially is worried because she doesn’t believe we can afford this and she was right we couldn’t afford it. So I kept my job selling timeshare that way I can pay for all my bills and expenses for my business. By this time I felt good because it’s Been months since I quit drinking and I have my own business with a way Of supporting all my bills and expenses. Now I think I have done enough to keep my wife happy. But everytime a new months comes I say, “another month of me not drinking” and she acts annoyed. Then She tells me and straight forward, she thinks it will be at least 2 years before anything happens with my business because she’s not confident I can pull this off for people to use my website. I didn’t have much to say because diring this time I didn’t have any revenue from my business so I just took it as a opinion but I knew in my head where my mindset was and I was very confident that despite the competition out there’s i could attract peole with my startatey. So I start different marketing & advertising strategies and within my first month I made some sells. She was surprised but everytime I told her I made a sell she would say , “cool don’t get caught up you have to go work to pay bills” .not even a “I’m proud of you” nothing kind so I brush it off.. now each month since August I’ve been making some sales in my business and random strangers share on there social media that they are inspired by the work I’m putting in. And my wife gets annoyed when I show her someone shared my business or someone wrote kind words about me on their social media. She hates when I show her those things, I can just tell espically when she’s not saying good job… Keep in Mind anytime she talks to me about her work, her friends, family or anything exciting that happens to her I show my support and encourage her with kind words no matter what and you can see in her eyes she loves that I do that.. but she never does that for me.. Today 6 months later i got a Direct message from a Casino Executive for Ceasers Entertainment In Las Vegas. (If you’re not familiar with that company it’s a Billiom dollar resort and casino empire with many properties) he wanted to sit and talk with me about working with me and see how we can drive sales or maybe a sponsership and all sorts of exciting stuff. This is real Big for me since it’s only been 6 months since I started my business. And I couldn’t wait until my wife got home so I can tell her in person, but guess what? She just got home 2 hours ago and she told me all about her day I listened I stayed positive And told her some kind words and when she was all done I was excited to tell her about what just happened, and once I told her my exciting news she said. He just wants you to be his slave probably and do dumb stuff she also said in her words. “ if I were you I wouldn’t see what that was all about” and she walked out. I didn’t even get a congratulations or a omg! I’m happy for you that’s good babe! She just walked out like it was nothing. I’m hurt and I don’t know if maybe she’s too negative and toxic for me. Trust me I talk to her about how I feel about her attitude towards me all the time and she says sorry but hours later after she says sorry she goes back into putting me down about any situation even things that are important to me like my dreams. And I promise you from deep down inside even though she acts like this I am never Put her down I am so positive to her because I’m hoping by my kindness she will change. Like I said wondering if she’s maybe to negative and too toxic for me and I should file for divorce cause I’m afraid this might get worse and she might make believe I’m not worth making my dreams come true.f I came this far from zero literally! And she can’t even acknowledge me or be kind. What do you think?

  11. Alessa says:

    There are a lot of differences in our situations, but I feel the sentiments are the same. My husband works long hours and makes a lot more money than me so he thinks I should stay home or get a better paying job. Most of my salary goes to child care, but I love my job. It’s fine most of the time… I am able to do 99% of daycare dropoffs and pickups, stay home when my son is sick, and be around when my husband ends up having to work on the weekends. But there are some rare occasions when I need him to help out and that’s when the issue always comes up. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be with our son, but because I make so much less than him and there’s no need for me to work, he never wants to be inconvenienced by my job. He says it would be better for our family if I stayed home, but I feel like it would really just be better for him. I do not think I would be good at being a full-time stay-at-home-mom, and if I’m unhappy, that can’t be good for our son. Like I said, it’s rare that I need to ask for help, but now I have to travel for work next week and my husband is being really unsupportive because he has a lot going on at work too. I don’t think it should have to feel like such a huge favor to ask him to take our son to and from daycare ONE day, but that is certainly the way it was received. We’re expecting a second child this summer and I’m worried about how much I’m going to have to take on by myself if I want to keep working.

  12. Sara says:

    I don’t wish to sound rude or judgmental on this topic. I have suffered from it too. I only wish to express that these are sensitive topics, and string of emotions related to someone(spouse) that we fail to understand, comes into play . it’s great to voice your opinion over something. But certain things must be in the household. you wish to discuss about ideas, that’s fine, you wish to express your solution to a problem, that’s even better. But revealing what’s going on between you and your partner on a platform on which there might be thousands of people reading it is not the ideal solution. privately you could ofcourse consult an expert, but on a wide platform, revealing it to the whole world, that’s selfishness, and above all, its wrong. he’s your husband. and before a husband and father, a human. a basic human! he must be angry a little, jealous a little, frustrated a little. maybe he needs something you are not trying to understand, are too shallow to come here and share your such a private information(which not just includes you, but also your husband) to the wide world. take this time off to actually consult an expert over this topic with your husband. he doesnt hate you, nor do you hate him. there must be an understanding between you, which doesnt just come up from air. You must be willing to take the risk of going beyond, personally(just as you have done professionally). there’s a magic about it which will work then.

    thank you.

    my hearty support to you and your husband, and may your relationship thrive more than expected!

  13. Jessie says:

    Since our child was born I had to finish my study part time and then find paid job instead of continuing with research etc. The job with uncomfortable (but i had an option to leave early when I needed or take day off any timeon a short notice) hours, the job I hated doing and the job I would never be good at in order to move any step further.

    My husbands career came first, he worked extended hours, weekends.

    I could not find any other job, because of my husbamds hours.

    Finally when we manage to find cheap but reasonable accomodation, I decided to continue with study/research.My husband was shocked, he expected me to work all my life that job.(as he later confessed)

    All I hear almost everyday that my expectations are unrealistic, i have no interest in family, I will fail anyway, what’s the point to waste his time.

    the key point is that if I continued with further education, i would most likely had better job and income that he has now.

    I never expressed any doubts regards his endevour though. Meanwhile, I don’t see any point in trying to invest all our time and sacrifice my career forever in order to support his career dream. we have been already supporting for so such a long time. Needless to say, it produced very little effect.

    I would totally accept ‘my fate” if extended hours and weekend work followed by extra earnings.

    but for now i don’t think burying my dreams has any meaningful justification.

  14. Pj says:

    I just came across this after having a similar convo.He’s relocated from NZ after we got married but now he’s missing his old life and doesn’t seem interested at all to what the UK has to offer him. He’s being totally ungrateful for all that we do have but also his vision for the future differs alot from mine. He has the 9-5 attitude where else I’m self employed and can be flexible with what I’m doing and how I’m doing it ie work and play instead of just work or just play should I choose to. I don’t see why I should have to sacrifice my dreams ambitions and goals just because he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from even though I’m communicating to him what my goals are in my biz and what I’m doing to get there. It’s depressing to say the least and makes me question why we got married.

  15. Yola says:

    It’s so disappointing…like I just joined a plus size modeling pageant in South Africa this year to try and win the queen position. When all this started he had my back now all of a sudden today he says I should withdraw from the pageant. I asked him just for support and all he said is his not interested any more😭 I shed a tear in front of him then I encouraged myself. Now I’m texting to ladies who going through the same thing of a husband who never wants to see you rise or reach for your dreams. Before he came into my life I had God, so I’m going to move on with or without him, it doesn’t make
    E less of a wife but I know it intimidates the he’ll out of him that I’m growing and I’m going to places where his never been and I’m getting the exposure that God had in His will. LETS RISE WOMEN LETS RISE, NPT FOR HIM BUT FOR YOU AND OUR DAUGHTERS❤

    • Ruth says:

      Yola! My queen, I just burst into tears when I read your last sentence. For ourselves and our daughters, yesss. I will rise, he may not want me to but he won’t stop me. My daughter will be a strong woman because of me. I cannot have it any other way.

  16. Paige says:

    I literally had this same conversation with my husband last night (for the 3rd time). A year and a half ago, I quit my job in HR and Payroll because I hated it and I was miserable. A month later I landed an amazing job with a TOY company. We develop toys for theme parks zoos aquariums etc. I absolutely love my job. I manage projects and accounts and have really grown with the company. Because of that, I am traveling a lot. About once a month for 3-4 days at a time. I get excited about new projects and getting the opportunity to travel to the customers and create amazing things for them and the kids that buy our toys, But he makes me feel so guilty for loving what I do! He told me I am makin my kids suffer and I am not considering the strain it puts on him to have to take care of everything when I am away. Despite the fact that my mom splits the time with him while I’m away (she will watch the kids a couple days and they will stay home with their dad a couple days)!! It’s such a discouraging feeling. I finally love what I do (and even make good money doing it), but I have to feel bad about it!

  17. Amy says:

    Feeling discouraged because most of my business ideas are shutdown. We tried to startup one but while we were waiting on the approval, the idea was taken, but when he disagrees that means I (a stay at home mom with 2 toddlers) have to find the capital in order to do it, but he can do whatever he wants no matter what I think. I guess money is power. I feel incarcerated and the only way I may experience freedom is to find a career that needs little/no help to get started. Even if I find joy in something I love doing, how could i be happy with someone who killed my dreams knowing they were able to help but didn’t. This sucks!!!

    • Ruth says:

      My husband just told me tonight that he will not finance my career choice. He’s in an excellent position to get me started but doesn’t believe there is any “real money” in owning a nail salon. I’m a nail technician and I love it, I’m a creative soul and it’s my passion.. But he just doesn’t support me, he doesn’t appreciate my artistry.I don’t know how to make him understand what potential my plans have

    • Shannon says:

      Story of my life! I’ve had so many different dreams and passions that I wanted to pursue. But I always feel shutdown. You’re not alone!

  18. Laura says:

    Just found this post. I had two boys within 11 months of each other; they are now 2 and 3. Before them I had a fast paced city career which I loved. With 2 pregnancies back to back I obviously had to have some time out. However I have recently gone back to my old company working for the same boss but in a new job and I am absolutely loving it. It’s a mix of working from home but on average 2, possibly 3 days max travelling within the UK. On those days the hours are long and I rely on my husband to do nursery pick ups/drops offs and be in hand if one of them are sick. Like I do on he majority of days I work from home. Except I have also been arranging for childminders to come in and help him. In the last couple of weeks it has been bad luck that our youngest has been poorly on days when I have been travelling so my husband has had to step in. I arrived home yesterday evening to a barrage of abuse and was told ‘You have chosen to be a feminist not a mother’. He has told me I need to find a job working locally 3 days a week, and that if I am not there available when there is a problem with the children then I am not fulfilling my role as a mother. For context, I currently work four days a week because he doesn’t want me to go full time (I do). My job is so busy I’m limping through my non working days with my boys and logging back on in the evenings to catch up on work. I love my children but I also enjoy my job. I feel ready to go back 5 days a week safe in the knowledge they are in safe hands. But he won’t support that. I pay his health insurance through my work since he refuses to use his own due to apparently it not being as good a package. And he is terrible with money so less than 48 hours ago I gave him £4300 to pay off his credit card. He hasn’t even acknowledged this or said thank you. My children don’t sleep through the night, yet he goes into the spare room and I am up with them always, not him. I’m doing everything with no support. And I feel like he wants me to be his doormat. Slightly off topic towards the end there maybe. Just needed an outlet.

  19. Oh my heart! Though I can’t claim similar success, everything else could be my story. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for validating I am not the only one. I certainly don’t want to give up on my dreams of a sustainable world, and sometimes these “chats” make me feel like I ought to. <3

  20. Shannon says:

    I just want to say thank you for sharing this. My fiancé and I have such different views when it comes to all things in inter webs land that it makes it hard for me to pursue any of my hobbies/passions without him being mad that I’m spending time on it. Our situation is different from yours because he is the one with the business. But I’ve always wanted to start my own. He & a friend came up with a money making idea last year and sat down with me and the friend’s wife to pitch it to us. We agreed it sounded like a great idea and that we’d go for it. He considers it a family business but it’s not at all something I have a passion for or interest in. I didn’t expect to have to work for him. I’m forced to play a big part in the workings of this business, plus take care of the household and kids and I have to put my own passions aside. Reading your post and the comments has helped me to gain a little bit of insight. I started my blog a couple years ago and just recently decided to get back to it. Maybe if I just start working at it slowly as a side thing I’ll eventually get to a point where he can see that my blog will be helpful in supporting the family someday.

  21. Anna says:

    I just googled key words and found this blog. Why? Because I just told my husband that I want to be a professional organizer (I’m really really good at it). Didn’t ask him for money or a special “flexibility “ on hours (I am a full time homemaker with no kids in the house). He shat all over it. He has done that with any dream I’ve had that might give me an ounce of financial independence. Don’t they call this economic abuse, to not “allow” your spouse to develop talents and profit from them? Next google search is for a divorce lawyer. You bet. Don’t have the kids at home anymore to make me put my dreams on the back of the drawer. I’m getting organized, so I need to unload an 80kg, 1.70 mt 56 year old with control issues and a loud, loud snoring problem. Any takers? Shipping and handling is on me.

  22. SR says:

    I’m grateful to all the commenters sharing similar stories. It helps to know it’s not just me. I deeply love my husband and we have a great relationship.

    Except he seems to really be bothered if my job ever inconveniences him. I’m successful in my field, and earning quite a bit for someone of my age (only a few yrs out of college). He makes a lot more money (about 3x my salary) in a technical field, and I think he feels that should absolve him from any responsibilities that I usually handle – household stuff. We don’t have kids, just pets.

    The nature of my job involves work travel about every other month, for a couple nights, and inevitably by the last night he is cursing and saying he wants to leave and can’t handle it anymore. I think this is super dramatic and unreasonable when it’s just a few nights once in a while.

    It’s really hard on our relationship because I feel like he would rather I become some weird housewife who is a superwife & superfit & doesn’t have my own career to ever inconvenience him. But that sounds facetious and not fulfilling for a lifetime and I’m not that person. It’s difficult to talk about because I love him and appreciate him, and how hard he works to support us so well, but also need him to feel that way about me.

  23. Angela says:

    I’ve also discovered this page by googling. I emphatize with all of you, because I find that these conflicts are unfortunately so common, like mine and my husband’s too.

    I found myself in quite a similar situation. My husband comes from Germany and I from Croatia. We met a 7 years ago and had a long distance relationship for several years, suffered being apart and used every chance to visit each other as soon as we could, before we finally decided to marry and always be together.

    I had worked as a university teacher for 10 years in Croatia. I was in the middle of my PhD and it was a tough decision to leave everything and everyone behind and move to Germany. I decided to put love on the first place, and I still don’t regret it. I also hoped that with patience and my education it will be possible at some point to find a job and continue to work. My husband supported me too, ensuring me of the flexibility and broad fields in which my qualifications would be accepted in Germany.

    Now it’s been almost 3 years. I have become a housewife (I admire stay-at-home-moms and housewives by choice, but I love working) without almost nothing of a social life, let alone career. I ocassionally slide into and climb out of depression after 3 years of numerous declined job applications for not only teaching jobs (my field is art, design and art history), but even half paid practice, trainee, freelance jobs, and even jobs as a security in museums.
    What I hadn’t expect was a completely overcrowded job market, especially for designers and artists, art historians, etc. This year I completed my PhD in art, now I’m joking about it as if going to use it as a toilet paper. I even came up with an idea of hand painted clothes and an online shop, but after 6 months of intense work, advertising, etc., it still has had only 3 sold items.

    My husband’s attitude has changed since I’ve been unemployed. I think this often happens in many marriages. He started to treat me as a 1950’s housewife. Here couples usually share household chores and my husband used to help me, but with the time he has thrown all work on me, as I am “the one who is not working”. I demanded that we share the chores like 70%-30%, but I usually give in and do 90% housework, trying to be fair.

    Quarells happen often now. In each of them, I’m told to “go back to my homecountry if I’m not satisfied” or “to go working as a cleaning lady if I’m so dissapointed in lack of a job”, even to go to a psychiatrist! Today I was told that, if he hadn’t fallen in love with me, he would certainly have chosen to be single, so that he would have more possibilities as a programmer, for example to move to a bigger appartment, more towards center the city, to be able to afford a car, etc., what he can’t do now when we both financially depend on him. These words hurt me and he comes with apologies every time after, and every time I tell him that it’s not nice. I know that his words are filled with a false feeling of power because I’m currently not working, but I’m telling him that with such comments once it may be too much and I won’t regret going away.

    I’m lonely. I am telling myself that everything happens for a reason, there are ups and downs in our lifetime, I’m figuring out what I could do to acquire German degree in what I already have, in order to finally get a job. Now I’m 38 years old. Very flattering age for going back in school, after so many years spent in learning, but this will return me independence I had had before.(Of course, when I try to tell my husband how helpless and hopeless I sometimes feel, he has no patience or will to listen).

    Yes, that’s how it is. I would like to tell you all, pursue your dreams and your careers, it can always be balanced with household, motherhood and marriage, only none of us should accept when spouses give only themselves freedom of working, dreaming, meeting friends, etc., while the other half is expected to do 99%, and still they frown upon a woman’s striving to return to work or similar.

    I’m glad that I could read your stories and share mine too.

  24. Millie says:

    I googled this, after an argument my husband and I had. Thank you for writing this. I too am a blogger. Although I’ve only been doing it for a year, it is my side hustle and passion! Today at our date night I was called selfish, conceited, and self-centered and all I care about is myself and my blog! Wow! I think I’ve cried enough about it, and wish I had not done so in front of him. I never knew that’s exactly how my husband felt. We have two kids-an 8 year old and a 2 year old. He told me I treat my 8 year year old like s&it and I can’t even take care of the 2 kids that I have, how could I want more. I forgot to mention I am a teacher by day and work full time, my mom watches my baby while I’m working. Expenses are both paid by both of us. And my blogging money goes into our joint account. Hurtful words were said while I just stayed quiet and let him speak his mind. This told me he doesn’t really support my passion and from now on, I will not ask him for a single picture or help with anything blogging related. I have photographers who don’t charge me because they too are in the business and support my Dream. Keep doing you mama!

  25. Smayjay says:

    Hey everyone, I found this really great article about all this that gives practical advice: https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2013/11/19/what-to-do-when-your-spouse-doesnt-support-your-career-dreams/

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